Episode 1- Boggan Meets his Match

List of Things to Accomplish in Life
1. Get happily married and live a successful life.
2. Have a famous sports show on the radio
On the way home one day while coming back home from God knows where, I was "star struck" for the first time. You know what I'm talking about. Being "star struck" is that time when the famous person you admire and adore most walks right in front of you, and instead of yelling out one of the million questions you've always wanted to ask him/her if given the chance, you say,"HEY!......You rock!". And then they walk away, looking at you as if you just morphed into Sean Bradley right before their eyes. Well, my lifeless suscribers, let me enlighten you about my first "star strickening"......
Like I said before, I was on the way home from doing something incredibly stupid that I dont even remember, when suddenly my eyes locked on to a nearby Mr. Gatti's. I'm not sure if you know what a Mr. Gatti's is, but at my best attempt to define it, I would consider it the greatest pizza since one of those Pizza Hut/Long John Silver's on the corner of your nearest neighborhood. But this wasn't your ordinary Mr. Gatti's.
While waiting in line for the buffet, I noticed a variety of colors glimmering in the corner of my eye. When I turned my head, I became as excited as a 2nd grader from 1994 receiving tickets to a Spice Girls concert. In a small room in the back corner of the pizza shop was a melee of arcade games all lined up in a single file, including the game "NFL Blitz 99'". "Blitz 99'" is the game that is completely opposite of what an actual football game should be: 6 players for each team on the field at one time, 2 minute quarters, starting every first down with a "1st and 20", and breaking the rules is more encouraged than illegal. Even though I had been starving all day, I figured that a round of Blitz would be more fulfilling than 3 slices of their only option left at the buffet table, taco pizza(Does anyone actually eat that stuff?).
As I began to place my quarters in the coin slot, the double doors leading into the kitchen verociously swung open. When all the smoke and steam from the ovens had cleared, I looked back and noticed a man was heading straight towards me. To make this story more intriguing, I want to tell you that this man was wearing a cowboy hat, wranglers, was built like Mike Tyson, and had facial hair that would even make Pau Gasol stop what he was doing and stare in awe. But if I told you that, it would make this true event seem fictional. So, in all honesty, the man that was pacing towards me looked like Frankie Stechino from "Boy Meets World"(the character who speaks like Walt Whitman but was the size of former wrestler Vader) with an apron. When he finished his intimidating, yet histerical, approaching, he started talking about how he is 51-0 at the game and noone has even come close to defeating him. If this wasn't an invitation sent from God to shut someone up, I don't know what is. Besides, how good could this guy really be?
Pre-game Selections
We both pressed the "Start" button. The game asked," Would you like to keep your record?". While I pressed "No", I caught Frankie typing "W-I-L-L" into the word bank, "1-2-3-4" into the password bank, and finally he accessed his record. He was right. 51-0. I was beginning to shake. As we scrolled down the list of teams to choose from, he beat me to The Cowboys. How obvious of a choice is that, though? Irvin, Aikman, and Smith all rolled into one on a videogame. I havn't seen a selection that easy since the Yes/No question of "Will Michael Jordan lead the Wizards to a championship?". Disgruntled, I opt to pick the Buccaneers. I feel like I can beat the triplet with John Lynch, Warren Sapp, Simeon Rice, Dexter Jackson, and Warrick Dunn.
1st Quarter
I won the coin toss. I didn't know why Shelton Quarles was returning kicks, but I had no choice but to use him. Once I juked out Larry Allen(on special teams??) and Irvin, I pressed the turbo button, only to get hit and fumble on the 40. "Thats alright, though," I told myself,"I'll just have to score on defense." Frankie hiked the ball. He strafed Aikman sideways, lateralled the ball to Emmitt on the left side of the field, and threw a 60 yard touchdown pass to Irvin on the right side of the field. Extra point good. After a 60 yard kickoff return, I'm feeling confident going into the second quarter.
2nd Quarter
Two minutes and a fumble later, I'm driving on my own 40. I felt morbid once i noticed Shaun King was my quarterback. After two straight completions and an 8 yard run, I'm on my his 20, about to tie the game. I hike the ball to King. He takes a seven step drop and throws to Joe Jurvicious in the endzone. Interception. It only took him three more plays to score again, making the game 14-0. In an attempt to get myself pumped up, I start humming "We Like to Party" by the Venga Boys. But, on the kickoff return, Quarles fumbled again, this time on the oppositions 30. On the next play, Emmitt carried the ball for a 30 yard touchdown run, making me feel like the 76 Buccaneers, going into halftime with the score 21-0.
3rd Quarter
Four minutes, 21 points, 2 fumbles, and an interception later, I know I have to get a defensive stop to have any chance at all to beat Frankie. Once I kicked the ball off and Irvin broke four tackles, though, I realized he just returned it 96 yards for another touchdown. This is starting to become pathetic. I've decided I'm just going to run out the clock for the rest of the game to save myself some dignity.
4th Quarter
Six minutes, 28 points, 2 fumbles, and an interception later, I've almost done it. Warrick Dunn is averaging 2.5 yards a carry and not looking back. With a little under a minute left, all I have to do is reach the 30 yard line and kick a field goal to not give Frankie the joy of shutting out his 52nd opponent. I hand the ball off to Dunn once more, and jump in excitement because he does better than planned. With ten seconds left, the clock is still ticking. I'm on my own 29. I anxiously wait to point and laugh in Frankie's face as he defeats me 28-3. I hike the ball. The kick is up........
Eight minutes, 28 points, 2 fumbles, 1 interception, a missed field goal, and one slice of taco pizza later, I walk out of Mr. Gatti's with no pride left. Who was this mytholigical creature who sat behind a stove? Maybe I'll never know this mans real name, but I do know one thing is certain:
List of Things to Accomplish in Life
1. Get happily married and live a successful life.
2. Have a famous sports show on the radio
3. Defeat the infamous cook from Mr. Gatti's at "NFL Blitz 99'"